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I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain. I only wanted one time to see you laughing- I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.

I never wanted to be your weekend lover- I only wanted to be some kind of friend. Baby, I could never steal you from another. It's such a shame our friendship had to end.

Honey, I know times are changing; it's time we all reach out for something new, that means you too.


Purple rain, purple rain, I only wanted to see you bathing in the purple rain.




--"Purple Rain", Prince

Oh look, more late-night ramblings...

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." —Herman Hesse

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the process of letting go. It's scary to leave behind what you've considered safe and familiar for a long time. When you're in the midst of those safe and familiar times, the idea of letting it all go seems ridiculous, but eventually there will be a time when letting go is necessary, either involuntarily or by choice. Because oftentimes there's a delusion that some things will last forever, when in reality, life is change. Things change, people change, relationships change. Sometimes it's for the better, other times it's not.

In my particular situation, I've been disappointed in one aspect, yes, but I'm coming to realize that letting go will release me from the burden I've been carrying around for so many months now, which can actually a very GOOD thing. I'm tired of hanging on to something that is ultimately bringing me down. But like I said, letting go is scary because there are uncertainties and doubts that I can't seem to shake. Like, what if I let go and end up closing a door that can't be reopened? Or, maybe if I just wait out a couple more weeks (on top of the time I've waited already), the situation will rectify itself... 

I know letting go is a good thing. In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live," or in this case, it does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live. It is just taking longer than expected to reach that point and be at peace with it, but I know I'll get there eventually, and when I do, it will be a freeing day. :)

Pride

It's one of the Seven Deadly Sins, and I absolutely believe one could argue it to be the worst. I'm not actually going to do that in my blog, but I do think that pride (negative pride, not "I'm so proud of myself for setting the world record for the fastest assembled bookshelf!" pride) can really be horrible. I'm thinking pride in terms of, "I need help (mentally or physically), but I'm too proud to let others see me as vulnerable," or, "I would like to apologize, but I'm too proud to confess to a wrongdoing." It's times like these where I'm not angered by pride (which, coincidentally, is also one of the Seven Deadly Sins), but rather it disappoints me. It disappoints me that people are so susceptible to pride. I don't exclude myself from that group of people either--I can be an extremely proud person, sometimes to fault.

I just wish that people could put their pride aside, bite the bullet, and take ownership of their actions or emotions. A person doesn't have to be Superman all the time. It's okay to be vulnerable and humbled, and I wish people (myself included) could realize that and act on it.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night



Utica Lake in northern California. 



Slept out under the stars on this beachy island.



"These things, they go away, replaced by every day."


It's nights like these that make me want to just walk around at night forever.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

In just a matter of days, I will be twenty years old. On the small scale, from year to year, I am just one year older, and that process is absolutely nothing new. However, on the large scale, on the timeline of my life, turning twenty is kind of a big deal. From the time I was in elementary school, my perception of "teenager" was always that it is the be all, end all of my existence. Life revolved around being a teenager. Now that I've just about passed through that stage in my life, there are many unknowns I have to face. Granted, I am still in college so my life is still planned out for me for at least the next two years, but then what? Do I go to grad school? Get an internship? Buy an RV and travel around the United States for a year?

Honestly, I couldn't begin to tell you. I know what it is I want to do, and that is travel. But is that what's practical? Probably not. But finding an internship or applying to fifty businesses does not appeal to me in the least. And that is, I think, because I don't think that one can really grow as a person through working in an office. I do agree that a person can learn there and grow to a degree, yes, but what fulfillment for the soul can one find in a 9 to 5 job enclosed (trapped, if you will) in an office doing the same thing from day to day, year to year? That regularity is NOT what I want. I want to be spontaneous and meet new people, experience new things. I believe that life is a series of experiences, but it's not a one-way street--it's our responsibility as people to meet these opportunities halfway to make them experiences. For example, if someone were going to hand me a pencil, he can only do so much--he can push it at me, throw it at me, or just hold it in front of me, but I will not acquire the pencil until I make an active decision to put my hand out and receive it. I believe life is very similar to this. Unless we make an active decision to accept the opportunities that life hands us, we will never really experience them and receive what they are trying to teach us.

Turning twenty has drawn my attention to the fact that my life is going to be changing drastically in the next few years. My years of teenager-dom are going to be behind me, just memories (mostly great memories, but memories nonetheless). As I move forward, I want to do what I want. As Ayn Rand explains in The Fountainhead, it's crucial to be selfish. Don't be selfless--selflessness leads to the definition of one's self in everyone and everything around you, except yourself. Literally lacking a self. I don’t want that, and I don’t think any self-respecting person would either. It's so important to do what you want. It may be crazy, it may be unconventional, it may be against every expectation society has for you (grade school, high school, grad school, internship, corporate world), but at least you find fulfillment in it. Because that's ultimately what life is for isn't it, to be enjoyed?